For those of us who have ever had a girlfriend break-up with us, the first question we ask ourselves (assuming friends don’t ask us) is how do we get her back?  There’s no simple answer, women – and men for that matter- are complex individuals that adore defying generalizations.
Before trying to get your ex back, take a good look at if that’s what you really want.  Ask yourself why you broke up.  It can be a complicated question, it’s the interaction of the complexities that made you attracted to each other in the first place as well as caused the break up to happen.  Figuring out how it all fits back together – if it should even fit – is the most important step because it’ll help you address how to plan getting back together.  Relationships take a lot of work and if its incompatibilities in lifestyles that caused the break up in the first place, you have to ask yourself if you’re willing to change and make compromises to make it work. 

Once you make the decision to contact your ex, do it in person, not over the phone or via email but don’t be too eager.  She fell for you for a reason and do whatever you can to remind her that you still have those qualities and are the same person she fell in love with.  After a break up it’s natural to feel down on yourself, but remember that most women aren’t looking for people to care for, but rather a companion or protector.  Be the person that she can respect, even if she hates your guts for not cowering to her whims, showing that even in the face of strife you can remain true to what you want, that will win far more battles than placating her.

Of course taking this too far is counter productive.  You have to show that while you are your own person that you also put a value on the concept of the two of you together as one the “us factor” if part of what caused the break up was you going out to the bar with your buddies five nights a week, you might have to change.  There’s no reason that you can’t hang out with your buddies, but if that’s the cause of the strife you will have to be prepared to make compromises – or forgo the relationship.

Once you can identify what caused the two of you to break up and centered yourself, examining what’s important to you, what you’re willing to do to make the relationship work, figuring out how to meet your ex is important.  Again this depends on the context and how the breakup happened.  Things take time to work out, sometimes a lot of time, sometimes less time.  Judging when to give it a second shot can be a challenge, especially because too much contact can just act as a reminder of whatever caused the breakup. 

Getting your girlfriend back is a delicate balance in showing her that you care for her and want her to be part of your life, but not being needy.  About not smothering her with communication, but not so distant that she forgets all about you.  About being strong enough to be yourself, and flexible enough to change.  Once you’re back together remember to be committed to being the best person you can be, the stronger your identity – and hers – outside of a relationship the more secure the relationship will be in the future.  

We all want security; take the lessons learned and apply it to making sure that when you think of the relationship it’s a shared bridge between two equals.  While growing up and expanding your horizons can change your priorities in life – indeed it’s only natural – you should also grow in your understanding of your partner.  Where there’s life there’s hope.  If she’s important to you, together you can build a shared experience.