We’ve all be in relationships where we’ve had the temptation to cheat, be it from opportunity or boredom or an unfilled need.  Part of being human is having the choice between sticking to a relationship, or engaging in dalliances outside of it, these questions take on dangerous import in the context of marriage.  Marriage is a commitment between two people to a lifetime together and to the concept of “us” the bond between two people that’s unique from either of them individually.  But cheating happens, it’s not good, it’s not the better part of human nature, but it’s reality.  How can you deal with it?
   
How do you know that your spouse is cheating?  This can be one of the most difficult questions to answer, everyone is different cheats in different ways, it’s too general to say that you should suspect cheating when the hairs on the back of your neck stand up, but changes in hair style, and noticeable mood changes that you can’t account for are signs that you need to be concerned. 

But how can you know for sure?  Short of hiring a private detective, doing your own detective work is the only way to know for sure.  Pay attention to little details about how they handle themselves, your intuition is likely picking up on something.  Keeping a journal of what you feel and what you see will provide an invaluable resource in understanding your spouse’s life. 

If this gives you pause because it’s an invasion of privacy remember that they made the commitment to be part of your life, you’re just making sure that the pieces fit as they should.  We all take care of checking our credit card bills and check accounts, business calls it due diligence, there is no reason you shouldn’t protect your investment in time and energy into your spouse.

Addressing the issue of cheating is one of the most complicated things two people can do in a relationship.  Besides the issue of repairing trust, the underlying motivations for the partner to cheat must be addressed.  Handling it as a one time breach of trust isn’t a sensible long term solution.  You must look at the entire picture that lead to cheating in the first place.

Because people cheat for so many reasons, addressing this might be the most complex part of the problem.  Even the spouse that cheated might not know why they did it.  Only that there was something that made it an attractive option.  People make mistakes and while it’s foolish to forgive too quickly, accepting that a mistake was made is the first step to being able to address it in a productive way.

Some of the steps you can take to ensure that it doesn’t happen again are clear cut and obvious, removing the spouses paramour from their live is the most important step and without it the distrust and jealous that it fosters can be cancerous and place horrendous stress on the relationship.  Less clear cut actions can take a lot longer to resolve and can take years to fully fix.  Infidelity isn’t something that can quickly be repaired with a few palliative words.  Rather it’s the symptom of ongoing problems that if they can’t be fixed once and for all require ongoing solutions. 

The best possible outcome is a stronger appreciation for the life you and your spouse share, but getting to that point can take a lot of time and energy.  No one wants to have to travel that road, no matter where it leads.  It’s far better to ensure that your marriage is solid against temptation.

None of us want to think that our partner that we’ve chosen to marry will cheat on us, but with statistics reporting 25% of married women and 44% of married men having sexual relations outside of marriage.  Ignoring the possibility is as dangerous as being paranoid about it happening.  The best way to avoid having to worry about cheating is to have strong and clear communications with your partner. The more than the two of you can understand each other’s needs and expectations, the more secure the relationship will be and the less likely either party is to seek fulfillment outside of the confines of the relationship.